It’s been a while since I blogged. It’s been over a month. I was going to get straight back into it with a skincare post but I thought I’d speak to you. Sometimes in the world of beauty and glitter and pretty new products, real thoughts get lost so I thought I would share some of mine. Firstly, I’ve had a week away on my honeymoon – that was amazing and we created the best memories. But I can’t explain away the other three weeks and counting.
Being married is amazing, I married my best friend and we are happy. (Allahumma barik lahum wa barik `alaihim (O Allah, bless them and bestow blessings upon them).’ But it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is such a HUGE life change for someone in my position, an Asian Bengali girl, who has lived pretty much with family all her life. If you don’t count the three years I lived in London for University. It has been hard adapting to a larger family, it has been hard learning to live with children, it has been hard not being the child in the house anymore but one of the ‘grown ups’. Gone are the days where Mum would cook my favourite dishes, have rice always ready and the most housework I had to was washing my plate after eating, sometimes. I know some of you might be reading this and thinking poor diddums, but it is right to say I lived in a cocoon, a bubble of sort. And now reality has finally kicked in, and it has been hard adjusting.
I’m okay looking after myself, heck I’m pretty good at it after three years experiencing living alone. That’s not the thing that is hard to adjust to, I enjoy looking after my own space, I’m really enjoying laundry duties and weirdly, getting our ensuite bathroom sparkling. It’s such a pleasure seeing my husband enjoy the food I cooked and I am lucky in many ways. I know a lot of girls in my culture have it harder, I speak to some of you on my DM’s on Instagram and I do count my blessings as well as keep you all in my prayers. But it doesn’t mean the adjustment isn’t hard.
I come from a family of 6, and with my youngest sibling being 13 I’m used to silence in the house. Now living in a house with 4 children under 10 (!) it’s a rarity. I miss the silence, sometimes I stay up on weekends till like 3AM just enjoying the silence. I miss enjoying my own company, living with a large family I feel guilty when I just want to lock myself away and enjoy being alone. Those were the moments I enjoyed blogging the most. But even when I am locked away in my room, I feel guilty and on edge, someone’s going to call me, someone’s going to tell me to come down. Or they’re going to think bad of me. I can’t even enjoy the time alone. It’s anxiety. I cannot stress how grateful I am to have been able to blog though! I would recommend it to anyone. Of course, do your research on things like finding the right web hosting at inlinehostblogger.com/siteground-vs-bluehost/. Unfortunately, I just haven’t been able to blog anywhere near the amount I would have liked to recently.
I don’t have it hard, I really don’t. I am fortunate I have a good mother-in-law, that makes a big difference. But nothing is as good as being at home is it, and recently that has really been getting me down. It’s quite telling that I am typing this to you on my parents sofa, the only noise is the fan heater whirring, and the occasional comfort noise of my Mum doing something in the kitchen. I feel at peace.
The truth is, I sometimes get high levels of anxiety. I don’t know why, but sometimes I just feel this unsettling feeling in my stomach, and my heart rate is higher (my Fitbit thinks I’m exercising) and I feel so overwhelmed by these changes that it genuinely makes me exhausted. Again I want to stress, so so many have it harder than me. I don’t think my life is bad or I am subjected to the harsh side of Asian marriage culture but it’s just hard nevertheless. You know the days when you are exhausted from work, and as you drive home you tell yourself okay I’m going to nap the second I get home. And you get home to guests and have to entertain as you are the daughter in law of the house. It’s the little things, and it has been building and building.
If you are of western/English background, you probably are thinking what is this girl talking about. Let me quickly brief you, Asian/Bengali girls usually live with family after marriage and have lots of roles and responsibilities. Any other questions I can answer in the comments or over on Instagram/Twitter (@makeupatoz).
Anyway, going back to why I haven’t been blogging lately. It’s just been getting on top of me. I feel anxious, and I feel exhausted. Recently I just made myself stop, I kind of fell of the grid and tried to just relax. It helped, kind of, and then I felt down because blogging is something I enjoyed. It made me happy, I can’t even explain it. I guess it felt like a vicious circle, I’d get anxious, stop blogging, get depressed about not blogging, start blogging, get anxious my free time is being eaten up. There’s a lot to blogging that the readers don’t see and I’m considering delgating some of it, like maybe looking into getting a custom blog design rather than doing it myself.
It is just an adjustment. I was able to cope with it for months, pretty well actually. And this too will pass, and I will adjust again. Maybe with Ramadhan coming, I’ll feel better after praying more. In fact I know it will help, it always does. I hope it does, as this will be my first ever Ramadhan away from my parent’s house with lots of added duties and added people. See, that’s my anxiety speaking. And I’m going to try to blog/use IG more. It truly is an outlet. Please do say hi to me, and interact on social media. It helps make a gloomy day brighter.
And guys, don’t feel sorry for me. I have it easy compared to most. I am so close to my family, I can pop over whenever I want, and my family are amazing. They’re just special. I also have a great circle of friends who I can rant at for hours. My husband isn’t too bad either, the little things he does for me I appreciate so much. So I could have it much worse. Maybe it is the fact that I’ve had it easy, and it’s just hard leaving that behind. Plus I haven’t stayed at my house for a while, so I am really missing being home. But there hasn’t been a single thing I haven’t been able to achieve when I put my mind to it, so I’ll add finding a level of peace to that list.
I hope that kind of explains why I haven’t been blogging lately, sorry if it doesn’t! But it was good to have a little ramble and just be open and honest with you guys. Leave me your comments and be sure to give this a like on Bloglovin’. Hopefully, we will speak again soon. Tanzina x